My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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