happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
