Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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