Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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