I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
