i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's blow job season.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
