The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize