I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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