he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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