I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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