I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
