so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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