Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
