My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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