i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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