I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
