Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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