You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
