you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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