I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
