Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
