You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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