I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
