you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am naked and annoyed.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize