Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So vagazzling was a success
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
