sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
