Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
