I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
