I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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