smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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