i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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