a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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