you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
