Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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