my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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