Pants 0. Shit 1.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
