Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
