if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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