I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize