you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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