i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
