Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
