I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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