mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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