Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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