woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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