I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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