I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
