I accidentally had phone sex last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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