I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
