I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize