I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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