everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
