Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
