Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
