Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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