no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
